Survival Mode, Sudden Loss, and Finding Grace in the Chaos
Behind The Filter Podcast
Holding Grief and Joy at the Same Time: Why
I Have Been Quiet
If you’ve been tuning into Behind The Filter or following along on social media, you’ve probably noticed the radio silence over the past six weeks.
I didn't step away because I forgot about the show, and I certainly didn't step away because I didn't care. The truth is much simpler, and much heavier: I was in survival mode.
The tail end of August and the entire month of September brought the most emotionally intense, chaotic, and heartbreaking weeks of my life.
When I created Behind The Filter, the mission was to strip away the glossy exterior and have real, vulnerable, unfiltered conversations. We talk about backstories, triumphs, hardships, and the gritty realities of life. To sit behind the microphone today and pretend that everything has been fine would betray everything this show stands for.
Just because I work in media doesn't mean life doesn't knock me down. Over the last six weeks, it knocked the wind completely out of me. Here is what has really been going on behind the scenes.
Losing Matt: When the Newsroom Stood Still
At the end of August, our station and my personal world experienced a sudden, devastating shock: we lost our friend and colleague, Matt.
Matt was our morning Traffic Reporter here at WIBC/Radio One in Indianapolis, and he was someone I shared an incredible bond with. Our history goes back years in the Indy broadcasting world. When we first connected over traffic reporting back in 2023, we hit it off instantly—rapid-fire texting, deep conversations about life, and mutual understanding. We shared past struggles with addiction, cheered each other on, and supported one another through career shifts. In fact, Matt was the exact reason I came to WIBC. He pushed me to join the team, welcomed me with open arms, and remained my biggest cheerleader every single day.
When everything unfolded on a Monday morning in the newsroom, my world came crashing down. Anchor Ryan Hedrick and I collapsed in tears right there on the newsroom floor. We were pulled off the air immediately. It felt like living inside a nightmare.
In the days that followed, the grief was suffocating. Processing the loss of someone you saw twice a day, who brought so much light and encouragement to your daily routine, completely changes your perspective on how fragile life truly is.
Knocked Down Twice: Heartbreak and Betrayal
If walking through intense grief wasn't enough, life threw a second punch just weeks later.
While my heart was already broken, I experienced a deep, personal betrayal. It was the kind of cut that shakes your sense of safety, forces you to re-examine the people around you, and threatens to reactivate old wounds of abandonment and self-doubt.
While I choose to keep the specifics private to protect others and protect my peace, the emotional impact was undeniable. I felt shattered. I found myself crying multiple times a day, wrestling with insecurities, and asking why history seemed to repeat itself.
Yet, in the very center of that pain, something extraordinary happened: unexplainable grace.
Years ago, a betrayal like this would have sent me into a spiral of rage, bitterness, and defense mechanisms. But this time, God met me in the middle of the mess. Even through tears and heartbreak, I found a capacity for empathy, understanding, and radical forgiveness that I know didn't come from my own human strength.
Growth isn't that you never get hurt again; growth is how you respond when the floor drops out beneath you.
The Paradox: Lowest Lows and Career Peaks
Here is the surreal paradox of being human: life doesn’t pause your blessings just because you’re hurting, and it doesn’t pause your grief just because something wonderful happens.
Right in the thick of the chaos, crying jags, and emotional exhaustion, I received news I had been praying for and working toward all summer: I got my own radio show.
Stepping into the highest peak of my broadcasting career while navigating the absolute lowest valley of my personal life has been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to navigate. How do you smile, celebrate, and accept congratulations when you've just cried on the floor an hour earlier?
I had to learn how to do something extremely difficult: hold space for grief and joy at the exact same time.
You are allowed to be heartbroken over what was lost while remaining deeply excited for what is ahead. You are allowed to celebrate your milestones with tears still drying on your cheeks. Life is rarely clean and compartmentalized—it is messy, layered, and complex.
Moving Forward
I am still healing. I am still crying. My heart is still being put back together piece by piece. But as we step into this new season, I know without a doubt that God doesn't make mistakes. The things that happen in the dark eventually come to light, and the things that break us can also reveal the true strength of our foundation.
We are back to podcasting. The tissues are on the table, the heart is open, and we are moving forward—one honest step at a time.
Watch or listen to the full episode below:
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~J
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